dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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