I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize