haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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