I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
