first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
