Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
