you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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