i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
