Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
