Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
