dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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