Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
