All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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