when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
