thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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