she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize