No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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