my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
