I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
