in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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