Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize