I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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