I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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