Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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