god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
