I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
