Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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