Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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