So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's rum buckets o'clock
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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