Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
