I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Come see our sink grown plant.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
