And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
