I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize