Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
