The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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