I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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