Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
