i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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