seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
