covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
