NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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