East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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