I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
