you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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