He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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