Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
