Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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