Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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