Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
