Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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