It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She's just so happy...and so naked.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
