Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
