He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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