just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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