It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
