Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
