wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
