Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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