i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
