I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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