i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I could make wine with my vomit
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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