Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize