Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
