New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
